my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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