I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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