True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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