Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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