On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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