How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
