I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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