I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The best revenge is premature balding
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
