Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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