i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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