You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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