I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
