You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
