85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
