: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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