i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
