Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
