I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
