he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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