Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
