my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize