dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
