ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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