I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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