saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
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