I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
