Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
