I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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