I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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