A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
