I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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