I faked an abortion last night.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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