remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
