I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
