Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
