we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
