I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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