I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
