Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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