god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Holy sore nipples Batman
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
