i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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