How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
