I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
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