it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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