my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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