I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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