I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is the high leading the old right now
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
