Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
