My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
