If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
