You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
