Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
