Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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