Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
