Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
True strength comes from lack of pants
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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