nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
