Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
