she woke up with a sticky ear
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
