its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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